My Feathers Have Been Ruffled

This post is part of my weekly Time for Honesty. I do my best to share something that's on my heart that is honest, sincere, and transparent - something that will get you thinking and get you to be honest with yourself.

The other day I was perusing my infinite list of blogs, reading, enjoying myself, and probably drinking coffee, though I can't be sure (so don't quote me on that). Nothing too earth shattering arose, and I was okay with that. Until I read through K. Syrah's latest post over at Shoes Never Worn: "The Indie Writer/Indie Author."

Darn you, K, for ruffling my feathers.

(She does that sometimes, so if you're into that sort of writing, you should really check out her blog.)

Anyway, K was writing about being an Indie author, and ended her post with a quip that made a lot of sense to me, but made me kind of mad:

Of course, I say that because at this moment, money isn’t an issue, and if one has a full belly, and all the bills are paid, it’s easier to be righteous.

Now when I say that K made me mad, I really just mean she rattled my cage. Because frankly, I'm dealing with this right now, and I was mad that she brought it up and threw it in my face, as if it were no big deal. Don't mind the fact that it's completely illogical for me to be mad at her - after all, she has no clue that this is something I'm wrestling with right now.

Here's the deal: I've really been struggling with trusting God in my finances. This is something I've always taken a little pride in, because I don't want to care about money, so I let God take care of it. Typically, our budget doesn't add up and more goes out than comes in. But at the end of the day, we find ourselves blessed by God for trusting him with our cash.

Lately, though, things have been getting a little tighter. And suddenly, I start wondering. I start doubting.  

Does God care? 

Did I do something wrong? 

Is there a certain ritual I need to perform to fix all of this?

And suddenly, I want to take matters into my own hands. 

You see, that quote I posted from K really shook me because I've found myself beginning to back down from what I so firmly believed when I "had a full belly and all the bills were paid."

I've always believed in God's provision and frankly, He's always one-upped me when it comes to finances, always doing more than I could ever expect. However, lately, it seems like God has all but disappeared from managing our money. And suddenly, I want to stop giving radically. I want to start saving back our money, keeping it for ourselves, instead of supporting our beautiful Compassion children.

But then I'm reminded of my calling:

Give to those who ask.

Don't turn away from those who want to borrow.

Don't store up treasures on earth.

Don't worry about your life.

Don't worry about tomorrow.

Give, God says. Don't worry, He reminds me.  

Give. Don't worry.

I guess it's no coincidence that when Matthew pens those words, he talks about radical giving first and then says not to worry. It's like he knew what his readers would be experiencing as they read his admonition to give without hesitation.

I want so badly to be able to keep giving and enjoy it. And I'm trying. I haven't given up on God, and I guess I've just come to terms with the fact that God is still taking care of me. I'm just being selfish and I want more. Because, obviously, I deserve better. I'm entitled to his blessings. He owes me.

Wrong. Double wrong. In fact, that's all a bucket of lard.

I need nothing more. I deserve nothing better. His blessings are his to give, not mine. And God owes me nothing. In fact, I'm sure it's the other way around. I owe him. A lot. Everything, in fact. And so I keep giving. I keep trusting. I keep hoping. And along the way, I'm trying not to worry, because, hey, what good has worry done any of us anyway?

Did that quote from K hit home with you? Can you relate to my struggle here? Or do you struggle with trusting God for other things, beyond money? What are you having a hard time trusting God with today?

I'd love to hear from you about this (or anything else!). Just drop me a comment or an e-mail! And while you're at it, feel free to share this post with some of your friends!
 

A Fish Out of Water...

Today I am featuring my first ever guest poster! When I begged for some awesome writers to help out a couple of weeks ago, Heather, from My Husband Ate All My Ice Cream, was the first to answer the call! Be sure to give her wonderful blog a visit and show her some love and respect in the comments here! She deserves it!

A Fish Out of Water...

That is what I feel like right now, getting ready to talk about my lack of Christianity on Adrian's blog.

I was very surprised when I wrote a post for my blog called Why I Don't Have a God. The comments on the post were surprisingly respectful, and a lot of people were very tolerant of my views, despite the fact that their own views are different. I'm not usually one to talk about religion, mostly because when I bring it up, I get trampled on and questioned. I don't like to label myself as a certain religion, simply because I'm not sure there is one that fits what I believe. I don't believe in the Christian God. I believe in an after life, but not Heaven or Hell. I don't believe that there is some sort of divine guidance in my life - I believe in fate and destiny. I could type a whole post, or ten, about my beliefs. But that isn't what I'm here to talk about today. I want to talk about tolerance.

I can't tell you how many times I've been called a devil worshiper (which is not true), been made to feel ignorant, been made to feel wrong, and been downright insulted by Christians because I am not a follower or believer.

I have been told that I am a rare breed. Not just because I practice freedom from organized religion, but because I do it AND I am tolerant and respectful of the beliefs of others. I was having a religious debate with an acquaintance of mine a while back. She was VERY hardcore Christian. When I told her about my beliefs, she was shocked. Appalled, even. She asked me how I could NOT believe there was a God, and I said, "I just have a hard time believing in something I have never seen, felt, or have proof of existence of." She proceeded to tell me a very long story about a time that she was a youth leader at the bible camp she attended all her childhood. I can't remember the details, and she threatened my very being if I told her soul a story, but it basically came down to the fact that she was praying very hard about something and that she actually SAW God, and heard him talking to her. It was basically her story trying to convince me that He was indeed real. And instead of being an asshole, and saying, "Oh... were you drinking the Kool-Aid they were passing around that night?" I said, "Wow... That must have been incredible for you. It must be a great feeling to have your faith validated like that." There was no debate. There was no "You're right and I'm wrong." There was just tolerance.

My husband and I have been having some problems in our marriage lately, and someone suggested that we watch the movie Fireproof, and do the book called The Love Dare (if you haven't heard about it, check out this post). Going into it, we knew that it was based on Christianity but several friends told us to just change the religious parts so that it applies more to us. Last night, my husband was reading excerpts from The Love Dare. Being a non-Christian, but never having read the Bible, he was amazed at all of the quotes and passages that applied to how he was living his life now, even though he isn't Christian. It sparked a long debate about how almost all religions boil down to the same things:

Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore, love is the fulfillment of the law. Romans 13:10 (Bible)

With a boundless mind one could cherish all living beings, radiating friendliness over the entire world, above, below, and all around without limit. (From the Maitri Sutra - Buddhist)

Allah does not forbid you respecting those who have not made war against you on account of (your) religion, and have no driven you forth from your homes, that you show them kindness and deal with them justly; surely Allah loves the doers of justice." (Quran 60:8)

Let my worship be within the heart that rejoices, for behold, all acts of love and pleasure are my rituals. Therefore, let there be beauty and strength, power and compassion, honor and humility, mirth and reverence within you. (Charge of the Goddess - Wiccan)

Love and Respect.

It's just how we go about it, and what motivates us to live our lives that way that makes the difference. So tell me... What makes us so different, you and I?

A Moment of Clarity

This post is part of my weekly Time for Honesty. I do my best to share something that's on my heart that is honest, sincere, and transparent - something that will get you thinking and get you to be honest with yourself.

This summer, I've been working full-time at the Pregnancy Crisis Center in Wichita.

And by "working full-time," I mean interning for no pay.

It's been a wonderful experience so far. I haven't had a job that would be considered full-time since I was 16, so that's been a learning experience in and of itself.

More than that, though, I've had to learn that in any job, you're going to have ups, and then you're going to have downs. And, frankly, you're probably going to have a lot more downs after the first aforementioned downs, and then you might get a single, glimmering up, followed by more downs.


Lately, I've been experiencing a lot of those downs. Allow me to be radically honest with you for a moment:

I don't feel worth the non-pay I'm getting somedays.

After I see clients, I often worry that I've messed something up, forgotten something, or overlooked something obvious that I should've discussed with them.

Frankly, I feel terrible when I get sick and can't do everything I'm supposed to.

I could go on for days about my insecurities at work, but suffice it to say that I struggle with why I'm there, how I'm doing, and what I could be doing better on a regular basis. I experience a lot of downs that wear and tear on my heart.

Thankfully, though, there are still those ups. Those ever elusive moments when I'm reminded of why I'm where I am and I'm reminded of who I am working for. A voice whispers to my heart... 

Whatever you do, do it from the heart for the Lord and not for people.


And so I keep going. I keep working. I keep smiling and enjoying myself. Why? Because I know that, even though I'm not getting paid, and even though some days are just ridiculous and sometimes, people really just suck, I'm not in it for the money or the people. I'm in it for God. I'm in it to serve him and not myself.

This internship may look an awful lot like another item to cross off the checklist for graduation, but honestly, if that was all it were, it wouldn't be worth it. Thankfully, though, that voice keeps whispering to me... 

Whatever you do, do it from the heart for the Lord and not for people. 

And so I keep going. And going. And going.

I'm not giving up because God hasn't given up on me.

Have you experienced times where you've doubted what you're doing for a living? What sort of insecurities do you face as you work? What keeps you motivated and keeps you going? I'd love to hear from you about this (or anything else!). Just leave me a comment or send me an e-mail! 

Sweet Chaos

It's definitely one of those mornings where I'll need a second cup of coffee before I begin writing.

This weekend was crazy.

This weekend was awesome.

This weekend was the most fun I've had in a long time.

And this picture pretty much summarizes it:

Sweet, sweet chaos. That's the only way to describe it.

We spent the past weekend hanging out with a lot of people we had only ever met once in our lives, and a lot of other people we had never seen before. It didn't matter, though. Love was in the air. It was a different sort of love, though. A sweet, chaotic, beautiful love - one only possibly born of God.

How else can you explain this situation? 

30 people, all unrelated, gathering together...

In the name of adoption.

In the name of love.

In the name of worshiping God, who has brought us all together, regardless of geographical or biological distance.

For their children, whom they love with all of their hearts.

For their children, who may be a little tanner than the rest of us, but are the most beautiful sight in the world.

For their children, who were alone, but now have a place they can always call home and people they can always call family.

This weekend was a picturesque portrayal of God's love. It was out of control, chaotic, fussy, messy, and a little cranky at times. But there has never been a more beautiful, more sincere, more passionate love among a group of people. And it is that love which pulls my heart-strings. It's that love which brings me peace. It's that love that moves my heart toward adoption, toward love.

God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. [Ephesians 1:5]

I believe this weekend gave God great pleasure. He saw his children, adopted through his Son, caring for his little ones, who they had chosen to adopt in love.

I can't wait for the day that God leads us down that same path. And it's coming soon - my heart can feel it.

How have you experienced adoption in your life? Has it been a positive or negative experience? Do you have relatives or friends that are adopted? How has that shaped who they are? Have you ever considered adopting a child? Why or why not?


I'd love to hear from you about this (or anything else!). Just leave a comment or shoot me an e-mail!

Wonder

I'm sort of famous as of yesterday. Maybe I'll share why soon...

It's Friiiiiiiiiiiday!

I would sing that for you, but then I'd lose a lot of friends.

Friday means a lot to me:

First of all, it means a 3 hour day at my internship. And after getting used to 9 hour shifts, 3 hours feels like just enough time to get there, sit down, and leave.

Secondly, it means that the weekend is here and we get to see our families. Call me a homebody, but I love our fams.

But most importantly, it means I get to participate in... Five Minute Friday!

Here are the rules, via The Gypsy Mama, if you aren't familiar:

Rule I...Write for 5 minutes flat with no editing. None. Scary? Well... tough!

Rule II... Link back to The Gypsy Mama so others can participate!

Rule III... Leave some comment-love for the person who linked up before you on TGM's site!

Today's prompt...

Wonder

Ready... Set... Write!

I wonder about a lot of things in this world.

Why, for instance, we park in driveways and drive in parkways.

I also wonder what it would be like to live on the moon. Would I finally not be the only person who isn't underweight? And would there be such a thing as obesity?  

Really, though, I wonder about one thing in particular: why God hasn't healed me from my sickness.

Now, I'm not talking about some sort of metaphorical, spiritual sickness here. I have that, too, to be sure. In all seriousness, though, I wonder why God hasn't healed me from my lung disease.

Does he not care? Does he not feel my pain? Does he not understand?

Or was Jesus an asthmatic? Maybe he had Kartagener's! Or maybe I'm just kooky for thinking such a thing.

Someone recently asked me a very odd question: "Why do you think God hasn't healed you?" I wanted to answer by saying that I'm not God and I in no way want to speak on his behalf - I'm not nearly that cool. Instead, though, I gave it a little thought and came up with this:

Sure, I wonder why God hasn't healed me. I wonder if he ever will. But frankly, he doesn't need to. I pray that he'll heal me so I can work for him better. But truly, my God is bigger than that. He can use me in spite of me. He is SO big that he can use me with diseased lungs. He doesn't need my lungs to be well for me to serve him. He's that big.

And in light of that, I don't wonder as much anymore. Instead, I'm left in awe of how wondrous He is.

END.

What are some things that you wonder about? Do you find yourself pondering the same things on a daily basis? What sort of conclusions have you reached on those things? I'd love to hear from you about this (or anything else!). Just leave me a comment or send me an e-mail!

Rebellion

This post is part of my weekly Time for Honesty. I do my best to share something that's on my heart that is honest, sincere, and transparent - something that will get you thinking and get you to be honest with yourself.


Since this is the time for my weekly Time for Honesty, I'm just going to cut to the chase. Quick, easy, painless. I promise. Here's what I want to know: 

Do you have a relationship with God?

Now, before you stop reading, hear me out. Because I'm going to assume that you don't. However, I'm not going to try and convince you of why you're "wrong." Because who says you are?

Most people (myself included) struggle with the idea of a relationship with God. We don't get it. Frankly, it doesn't make sense most of the time. Why would a Being, who created everything, down to the molecule, want a relationship with his creation? And, to be exact, how insane must he be to want a relationship with me?

If you don't have a relationship with God, I want to tell you something: God does want a relationship with you.

However, I'm not really posting this to convince you of that. Instead, I want to get you thinking about something else: why don't you have a relationship with God? What's stopping you?

Now, I could be wrong (and I usually am - I'm a guy, after all), but most of the people I know who don't have a relationship with God are people who were raised to believe in him and raised to follow rules that were said to be from the Bible. Some of those rules probably were found in Scripture somewhere, while some were probably part of a church's half-century old by-laws.

These people heard all the religious mumbo-jumbo, went along with it because they had to, and made a split for it the second that they could. I would have too. Thankfully, I wasn't raised in this way.

Last night, though, I figured something out. I mean, not completely, because then I'd probably be rich and would be showering you with money, but God at least gave me a peek into something pretty cool. I was at a class that is taught at the Pregnancy Crisis Center that I'm interning at and I was looking through the worksheets we received. Something caught my eye, though. A quote to be exact. 


"Rules without relationship leads to rebellion." - Josh McDowell

And maybe, just maybe, you're in rebellion. Heck, I am a lot of times. I shove God away a lot. When I struggle. And even when times are good. I rebel because sometimes, I forget about my relationship with God. 

Maybe, just maybe, you were raised to know all of the rules, go through all of the rituals, and recite all of the religious mumbo-jumbo you could retain. And you rebelled as soon as you could. Why? Because you're a person, and no person wants loaded down by rules, rituals, and religion. I sure as heck don't want to be.

I think, though, that if this was the case for you, you might have missed something. A very big piece of the puzzle. And I'm not pointing any fingers at who might have forgotten to tell you, but there's another very imperative "R" word that makes the rest of those ridiculous "R" words make a little more sense. And you already know it. It's a relationship.

Relationships make all the difference. In school, at work, and at home. Just think about it. If you tell your kids not to do something, chances are that they're going to do it anyway. It's natural. But if you have a great relationship with them, your chances increase dramatically that they might actually listen to what you have to say. Otherwise, if they don't have that, the rules set before them simply lead them to rebel. It's only natural.

It works the same way with God. He loves us. He wants a relationship with us, through Jesus. But we rebel. Why? We hear the rules and we don't want any part in it because, frankly, who wants to listen to rules set by someone we don't even know?

So here's my challenge to you today:

No matter who you are, where you're from, or where you're at with God, examine yourself. Have your own Time for Honesty. Do you have a relationship with God? Just think about it for a few minutes. Why don't you have a relationship with him? What's truly keeping you from that?

And if you do have some sort of relationship with him, how well do you really know him? Has that relationship actually changed your life? What about the lives around you? If it hasn't, it might be time to have a heart-to-heart with yourself and see what's going on.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on any of this (or anything else)! Just leave me a comment or send me an e-mail.